40 altÉrations

Daoud Najm

ALTÉRATION. Production brève,
dans le champ amoureux,
d’une contre-image de l’objet aimé.
Au gré d’incidents infimes
ou de traits ténus, le sujet voit
la bonne Image soudainement
s’altérer et se renverser.

Roland Barthes

J’entre dans la douche.
EST-CE QUE JE VEUX VRAIMENT PERDRE
TON ODEUR DOWN THE DRAIN ?

*

I want you to demand my attention
I want to give it to you
Don’t go

*
Meet me for a beer like last week and let me slowly convince you to take
me to bed with you. Let me kiss your back while you sleep. I feel miserable
already… ISN’T THAT ENOUGH ? I tried to write something.
Words keep coming out wrong. I hope you can forgive and forget all this vulgarity.
I love the way you are, and the way you speak, and your looks and your
brain and the way you walk and your little hands. Your body and the way you
like sex. The hair on your body and the way you organize your books.

Or just let me come sleep with you
I’ll run now
I still have my clothes on

*

You’re silent… Are you being a good BOY ?
(Yes, there’s jealousy in there somewhere)

*

I pushed you too fast. And I’m pushing him too fast. So I’ll end up alone, like
always. And that will be ok, because that’s what monsters get. I’m a monster
because I intend to be open about the people that occupy my mind and my
time.

*

ON SE VOIT QUAND ? Je vais pas me branler si tu viens ce soir.

*

I take your deal. I take your friendship. I look at you and I think: I could
fall in love with him. So I guess I will. No sex to tie us or create imaginary
attachments.

*

I’m jealous of time
I want you to spend it with me
I want you
I really do
I wish you could see me now
I’m taking care of a guy who passed out, snoring next to me, while I think
of you

Drunk text
ÇA VA ?

*

Fuck. The drunk guy was a stranger from Stud. I am ready to quit everything.

*

I’ll do everything right one day. Thanks for your tenderness.

*

Now you hate me. I’ll be a monster this week too, fine. But since I’m not
seeing anybody, tu viens me sucer ?

*

I’m starting to feel no matter what I do I always end up hurting people. And
maybe you’re right, I want all of my boys to love me at all times. Even if I’m
not with them. Because I’m an attention whore, have low self-esteem problems
and I am also a slut. So yeah, indecent, tactless, indelicate, disgusting,
pathetic and lame. Sorry for making you waste your time.

*

I think what you just did is disgusting. And I deserve it. I should’ve never
thought you’d be for real. You’re just another one de ces cons qui veulent
juste baiser et me jeter.

Fuck you bitch
No
I don’t take it back
Fuck you

*

Et puis quoi ? C’est tout ? C’est fini ?

*

You just wanted to get rid of me and move on. Why waste your time with me,
right ? I’m leaving always, I’m leaving anyways. I’m leaving probably even
before you think. Sometimes I wish I were dead. It would be easier for so
many people.

*

Et tes verres qui restent là… Oublie-les toujours et reviens toujours les
chercher. I fucking love sex with you.

*

J’ai trouvé un pusher sur Grindr. Sois pas jaloux, je cherche pas une baise.
J’ai refusé la bière d’hier, j’ai refusé l’autre. C’est toi que je veux. Ma musique
pour les prochains jours, c’est le bruit de l’élastique de ton jockstrap sur
tes cuisses.

Please
Love me always
Te deseo

*

C’était juste un peu de cul, calm the fuck down. J’ai fait le con, je t’ai
légèrement trompé. Tu me pardonnes ou tu me quittes.

*

You’re overreacting
I shouldn’t have told you
I thought I could trust you

*

Maybe we’re not a match. (I said it). I love being with you, but I don’t believe
in relationships or in love. Part of me doesn’t believe that somebody can love
me anymore. Because I might die. Plus, my chances of staying in Montreal
are very slim.

FIN DE LA PREMIÈRE PARTIE . . .

*

ARRÊTE D’Y PENSER, C’EST RIEN. Pour moi, c’était pas
grave d’être là, de participer à ça. J’ai rêvé de toi. J’aurais voulu te baiser
devant les deux autres.

Je dormirai avec ton jockstrap sous l’oreiller cette nuit.

*

T’as rencontré quelqu’un ? T’as même pas pu attendre. I hope you had fun.
If I had known, I would have fucked the pusher and everyone in between.
I didn’t because of you.

*

I didn’t fuck you enough. I need a goodbye fuck. Be a man and use your body.
You could’ve never known, I could’ve never told. But you’re silly enough not
to see the beauty of honesty. I’m not sorry. What happened was shit. Let’s go
back to the beginning.

*

So I guess I’ll count you on the list of impossible relationships.

*

Putmymouthonyourassputmydickinyourmouthputmyfingersinyourthroatput
mydickinyourassputmyfootonyourfacecallyoutheslutthatyouare.

*

Tu veux aller jouer au pool à La petite idée fixe ? Please. No sex will be had.
Seriously.

*

Je pue. Je prends plus ma douche. C’est pas la peine si t’es pas là.

*

Whatever dude. I feel disposable and stupid.

Forgive me, I am needy today. I feel sad and mediocre. Taking care of you
made me feel better. I love you more every day and being with you makes
me go through this sadness. I knew I would feel lost in Montreal. I just wanted
to hide from the world and do my stuff while being with you.

*

Chez le médecin ? Cómo te sientes ? Ça va aller mieux demain, tu vas voir.

*

Fuck everybody. People are idiots. But what am I saying ? I’m talking to you,
you’re a little bitch yourself. I can be a little bitch back. So for today, fuck
everybody.

*

It’s weird. Comment tu te sens ? You should be ok by now.
On t’a pris du sang ?
On te fait des tests ?
Tu veux que j’aille avec toi à l’hôpital ?

*

So basically you’re going to be at your parents’ and then you’re going away
for a month… So in total we’ll be apart for a good two months. I’m trying
to understand.

*

BUT HEY
Can I come and see you ? Can we talk on the phone ? Will you be ok? What’s
going to happen?

*

J’aimerais que tu me dises les choses cash. J’ai pas envie d’attendre, j’ai déjà
beaucoup attendu. Bref, tu me quittes ?

*

Get well, let’s go dancing. Come back, let me hug you. Please be a little mine
forever. I really care, I really miss you.

*

Je comprends pas. On a pris toutes les précautions… Tu dois y aller quand ?
This is not happening. We’re panicking for nothing. Don’t fucking worry.

*

Ok
Je suis désolé
Tell me this isn’t true
Please
I’m fucking sorry
I need to do something
Tell me what to do
I don’t know what to do
I can’t do anything

*

You’re depressing me. Pas envie de parler de VIH. Pas envie de me rappeler
que c’est de ma faute. J’ai eu peur, je me suis caché.

Now deal with it
And leave me the fuck alone

*

Te quiero tanto
I belong to you
We are animals
I had forgotten about your smell

*

MON CŒUR EST PLEIN DE TOI.
I really went down today. I’m awfully sorry. Thank you for holding my heart.
I’m sorry I told you things that don’t make you feel special. I’m sorry I lied.
I’m sorry for everything.

CE RÉCIT T’INTERPELLE ?
TU AS BESOIN D’AIDE ?

ALTÉRATION. Production brève,
dans le champ amoureux,
d’une contre-image de l’objet aimé.
Au gré d’incidents infimes
ou de traits ténus, le sujet voit
la bonne Image soudainement
s’altérer et se renverser.

Roland Barthes

J’entre dans la douche.
EST-CE QUE JE VEUX VRAIMENT PERDRE
TON ODEUR DOWN THE DRAIN ?
 

*

I want you to demand my attention
I want to give it to you
Don’t go

*

Meet me for a beer like last week and let me slowly convince you to take me to bed with you. Let me kiss your back while you sleep.
I feel miserable already… ISN’T THAT ENOUGH ? I tried to write something.
Words keep coming out wrong. I hope you can forgive and forget all this vulgarity.
I love the way you are, and the way you speak, and your looks and your brain and the way you walk and your little hands. Your body and the way you like sex. The hair on your body and the way you organize your books.

Or just let me come sleep with you
I’ll run now
I still have my clothes on

*

You’re silent… Are you being a good BOY ?
(Yes, there’s jealousy in there somewhere)

*

I pushed you too fast. And I’m pushing him too fast. So I’ll end up alone, like always. And that will be ok, because that’s what monsters get. I’m a monster because I intend to be open about the people that occupy my mind and my time.

*

ON SE VOIT QUAND ? Je vais pas me branler si tu viens ce soir.

*

I take your deal. I take your friendship.
I look at you and I think: I could fall in love with him. So I guess I will. No sex to tie us or create imaginary attachments.

*

I’m jealous of time
I want you to spend it with me
I want you
I really do
I wish you could see me now
I’m taking care of a guy who passed out, snoring next to me, while I think of you

Drunk text
ÇA VA ?

*

Fuck. The drunk guy was a stranger from Stud.
I am ready to quit everything.

*

I’ll do everything right one day.
Thanks for your tenderness.

*

Now you hate me. I’ll be a monster this week too, fine. But since I’m not seeing anybody, tu viens me sucer ?

*

I’m starting to feel no matter what I do I always end up hurting people. And maybe you’re right, I want all of my boys to love me at all times. Even if I’m not with them. Because I’m an attention whore, have low self-esteem problems and I am also a slut. So yeah, indecent, tactless, indelicate, disgusting,
pathetic and lame. Sorry for making you waste your time.

*

I think what you just did is disgusting.
And I deserve it. I should’ve never thought you’d be for real. You’re just another one de ces cons qui veulent juste baiser et me jeter.

Fuck you bitch
No
I don’t take it back
Fuck you

*

Et puis quoi ? C’est tout ? C’est fini ?

*

You just wanted to get rid of me and move on. Why waste your time with me, right ?
I’m leaving always, I’m leaving anyways.
I’m leaving probably even before you think. Sometimes I wish I were dead.
It would be easier for so many people.

*

Et tes verres qui restent là… Oublie-les toujours et reviens toujours les
chercher. I fucking love sex with you.

*

J’ai trouvé un pusher sur Grindr.
Sois pas jaloux, je cherche pas une baise.
J’ai refusé la bière d’hier, j’ai refusé l’autre.
C’est toi que je veux. Ma musique pour les prochains jours, c’est le bruit de l’élastique de ton jockstrap sur tes cuisses.

Please
Love me always
Te deseo

*

C’était juste un peu de cul, calm the fuck down. J’ai fait le con, je t’ai légèrement trompé.
Tu me pardonnes ou tu me quittes.

*

You’re overreacting
I shouldn’t have told you
I thought I could trust you

*

Maybe we’re not a match. (I said it).
I love being with you, but I don’t believe
in relationships or in love. Part of me doesn’t believe that somebody can love me anymore. Because I might die. Plus, my chances of staying in Montreal are very slim.

FIN DE LA PREMIÈRE PARTIE . . .

*

ARRÊTE D’Y PENSER, C’EST RIEN. Pour moi, c’était pas grave d’être là, de participer à ça. J’ai rêvé de toi. J’aurais voulu te baiser devant les deux autres.

Je dormirai avec ton jockstrap sous l’oreiller cette nuit.

*

T’as rencontré quelqu’un ? T’as même pas pu attendre. I hope you had fun.
If I had known, I would have fucked the pusher and everyone in between.
I didn’t because of you.

*

I didn’t fuck you enough. I need a goodbye fuck. Be a man and use your body.
You could’ve never known, I could’ve never told. But you’re silly enough not
to see the beauty of honesty. I’m not sorry. What happened was shit.
Let’s go back to the beginning.

*

So I guess I’ll count you on the list of impossible relationships.

*

Putmymouthonyourassputmydickinyourmouthputmyfingersinyourthroatputmydickinyourassputmyfootonyourfacecallyoutheslutthatyouare.

*

Tu veux aller jouer au pool à La petite idée fixe ? Please. No sex will be had.
Seriously.

*

Je pue. Je prends plus ma douche.
C’est pas la peine si t’es pas là.

*

Whatever dude. I feel disposable and stupid.

Forgive me, I am needy today.
I feel sad and mediocre. Taking care of you
made me feel better. I love you more every day and being with you makes me go through this sadness. I knew I would feel lost in Montreal.
I just wanted to hide from the world and do my stuff while being with you.

*

Chez le médecin ? Cómo te sientes ?
Ça va aller mieux demain, tu vas voir.

*

Fuck everybody. People are idiots.
But what am I saying ? I’m talking to you,
you’re a little bitch yourself. I can be a little bitch back. So for today, fuck everybody.

*

It’s weird. Comment tu te sens ?
You should be ok by now.
On t’a pris du sang ?
On te fait des tests ?
Tu veux que j’aille avec toi à l’hôpital ?

*

So basically you’re going to be at your parents’ and then you’re going away for a month…
So in total we’ll be apart for a good two months. I’m trying to understand.

*

BUT HEY
Can I come and see you ?
Can we talk on the phone ? Will you be ok?
What’s going to happen?

*

J’aimerais que tu me dises les choses cash.
J’ai pas envie d’attendre, j’ai déjà
beaucoup attendu. Bref, tu me quittes ?

*

Get well, let’s go dancing. Come back, let me hug you. Please be a little mine forever.
I really care, I really miss you.

*

Je comprends pas. On a pris toutes les précautions… Tu dois y aller quand ?
This is not happening.
We’re panicking for nothing.
Don’t fucking worry.

*

Ok
Je suis désolé
Tell me this isn’t true
Please
I’m fucking sorry
I need to do something
Tell me what to do
I don’t know what to do
I can’t do anything

*

You’re depressing me. Pas envie de parler de VIH. Pas envie de me rappeler
que c’est de ma faute.
J’ai eu peur, je me suis caché.

Now deal with it
And leave me the fuck alone

*

Te quiero tanto
I belong to you
We are animals
I had forgotten about your smell

*

MON CŒUR EST PLEIN DE TOI.
I really went down today. I’m awfully sorry. Thank you for holding my heart.
I’m sorry I told you things that don’t make you feel special. I’m sorry I lied.
I’m sorry for everything.

CE RÉCIT T’INTERPELLE ?
TU AS BESOIN D’AIDE ?